Why.....

Why is that my two, almost three year old can not turn to me when I call his name or listen to me when I tell him to get his shoes or get in the car, but he can manage to turn on the Xbox, get up to the games in the bookcase, put away the game that was in the tray(in the correct box), then get a new game out and successfully begin playing it (oh and did I mention the game he chose was Grand Theft Auto....Yikes).  I came into the living room to find his character wandering around a yucky apartment with inappropriate posters on the wall.  I was horrified and yelled to Shawn, to get rid of that game which I have been upset ever entered our home in the first place.  Why, Dr. Sears, do I have to remind him 100 times to not jump on the couch or not stand one foot from the TV, but he is capable of getting a rousing game of GTA going at 7am.  And why when I ask him what he is doing does he say, I like that game.

A cleaning lady

I left my house yesterday at 9:30 am, went to Target, ran in to a friend and let our boys wander the store while we talked (of course while supervising them).  Went to get some lunch and then returned home to a spotless house.  I mean spotless.  My sliding glass window has never looked so clean.  My floor was so smooth I almost slipped in my bedroom.  All the beds had fresh sheets and the dark secrets that were hiding under my couch had been all vacuumed up.  What a glorious service.  I had paid for it all, of course, but It was worth it.  I have struggled with the decision to hire someone for several months and finally had enough.  I just can't keep up with the standard of clean house that I want.  It affects my peace of mind and my sanity, which in turn affects my kids.  So I did it and I have felt a renewed sense of "keeping" it clean.  And the sweetest part was I got to play bowling and swords with Nico for the afternoon.  It was fantastic. And this weekend I might even get to scrapbook.  Oh My, Life is Grand!  Thank you Cleaning Lady!  See you in two weeks.

Asking for help

Why can't we ask for help?  It seems so impossible sometimes and all we need is a hand to pull us through and yet we can't ask it.  At least I can't.  

Finally after 5 days of sick boys, no clean silverware, a living room that looked like a bomb hit it and about 4 hrs of sleep a day, I asked for help.  I called my husband crying, well actually sobbing, and he came right home, despite his own daunting tasks of work and school.  He asked me if there was someone I could call to help me for tomorrow and I told him no.  I didn't want anyone to know I was feeling this way and I didn't want anyone to see my house so messy.   After sleeping for a few hours and later talking with Shawn, I gained better perspective over my situation and realized I can ask for help and I have too.  I called a couple friends, we talked for a bit and learned I am not alone.  Just chatting bolstered my spirit and made me feel hopeful.  I reminded myself that there are going to be hard days and weeks like this, but they are going to pass, and that many women, working moms and stay-at-home moms feel just this same way.  

Maybe there are those who never feel the way I have felt, and to them I say, "teach me all you know!"  I do though have dark moments of motherhood.  I do wish I could do whatever I want, whenever I want.  I do wish I could sleep 9 hrs a night, like I used too.  I do wish I could contribute financially.  But I know those days will come again.  And I will then wish that I had sweet babies to smell and soft two year olds to hold. 

 This certainly is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I have a renewed feeling of connectedness to all those moms out there who have ever felt the way I do.  Call me if you need me,  call me to vent or celebrate or brag or cry.  I will be here for you and I promise to call if I need someone, too.  I have to say, thank goodness for the priesthood,  thank goodness for a mom who is taking Nico for the weekend, thank goodness for a husband who would create so much more stress in his life to come to my rescue, and thank goodness for dear, dear friends who understand me.  I love you all!

6 months brings Carrots

Nico, Goddard and Obie

This boy needs a dog.